When I'm Gone
by Zyrieen
Summary: Heero self-destructs but at the last moment tells Duo something he's been wanting to say for quite a while - but hasn't had the guts. WARNING: SHOUNEN AI


Warnings: Hints of yaoi, blatant shounen ai, OOC, PWP (what does this mean anyway?)  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of Gundam Wing or its characters, but I do own a purple beanie bear named Josh.

* * *

Heero looked at the tactical readout of Wing and wished, for once, that there was other way of winning this battle. Some other way of bringing peace to Earth and its colonies.  
But there wasn't.  
Calmly, he continued to direct the four other pilots, gradually maneuvering them out of the way. They wouldn't see the pattern until it was too late; not Quatre with his grasp of strategy, not Duo with his seemingly supernatural awareness of Heero's movements. Both Duo and Quatre were fully occupied with the enemy, and would be until too late.  
Duo. The braided idiot who, somehow, had wormed his way into the Perfect Soldier's ironclad heart, had effortlessly broken down his defences, had convinced him that life was worth living. He would not understand, would not know how much Heero wished he did not have to do this. But he did. And so...he would have to explain.  
Thoughtfully, Heero called up the text comm program, and typed up his message. And waited. He would not send it until it was too late to stop him, until Duo was safe. He was almost there. Almost at the edge.  
Heero fought mechanically, holding off the enemy mobile suits as he watched the tactical readout, waited for the right moment.  
Now.  
"All pilots, pull back 500 metres."  
Heero waited for the order to be obeyed, waited for the safety margin to be covered, and typed in the first half of the self-destruct code, his other hand hovering over the comm send button. There was something else he needed to say...  
Ah. Yes.  
He keyed in the visual to pilot 02's Gundam.  
"Duo..."  
Fierce violet eyes looked up hopelessly, met his burning cobalt stare. Sensed something wrong.  
"Duo, I love you."  
Heero ended the visual with one tap as the violet eyes flew wide open, sent the message he had prepared with another tap as his other hand finished keying in the self-destruct command and hit 'execute'. Burning white light enfolded him as his Gundam exploded, obliterating the enemy suits in a fiery globe of destruction. And he smiled as consciousness and life fled, because he'd finally had the courage to say those three words. Three little words that meant so much.

The four Gundams hung in space, staring at the flaming wreckage that had been a fleet of mobile suits, an enemy beyond counting. Replaying in their collective mind's eye was the image of the white and blue Gundam stilling, then exploding into white light, fingers of fiery detruction reaching out greedily to obliterate their enemies. The few enemy suits that evaded the mighty explosion were quickly dealt with by the four. The area had been still and silent for a full ten minutes, and yet none moved, too shocked to do anything but continue staring in vain hope that the pilot may have survived.  
The sound of crying broke the shocked silence.  
Wufei jumped at the sound, and was surprised to see that it was not the innocent Quatre who had broken down, but Duo. Cheerful, annoying, verbose Duo, sobbing and keening, oblivious to the other three pilots' shocked stares. After a moment words formed in the lament.  
"Why now...oh Heero, why wait until now to say it...God, why now, why now, why _now_!"  
Duo collapsed forward in his harness, tears falling heedlessly down his face as his body heaved with gut-wrenching sobs.  
The other three pilots shared a glance, then Quatre called for the Peacemillion. Duo was in no condition to fly to the rendezvous, and in their current battered state they couldn't drag him there. Transport would have to come to them.  
Wufei turned his attention back to Duo, frowning. He wasn't crying as though he'd lost a friend or even a best friend. It sounded like this pain went far deeper. But the question was, how much, and _why_?

Sandrock, Heavyarms and Altron clustered protectively around Deathscythe Hell, whose occupant was now curled up in his seat, looking small and vulnerable. He stared into space, clearly in no condition to even defend himself if attacked, and they tensed as a blip from their machines announced an approaching object. The object resolved itself into the Peacemillion, and they relaxed slightly, still hovering over the black Gundam in their midst. A transmission from the approaching ship appeared on their viewscreens.  
"Heero?" came Howard's voice. "We detected a large energy emission, what -"  
"Stop," Quatre ordered shortly, cutting Howard off. "Pick us up. We'll explain once we get on board."  
Involuntarily, Quatre's gaze flicked to Duo's image on the screen. The boy had flinched at Heero's name but had given no further sign of having heard the conversation. All the signs pointed to profound shock, but why had Heero's death affected him so much? He knew they were close, best friends - at least on Duo's part - but it wasn't like they were...lovers?  
Howard grunted an assent and maneuvered the Peacemillion over the Gundams, its dark hold swallowing the giant mechas that still clustered around their deathly still counterpart.

Trowa sat with Quatre and Wufei on the walkway opposite the wall where the Gundams were lined up. The three of them had managed to get Deathscythe Hell into place, but when they tried to open the hatch found it locked, and no amount of prompting from any of the pilots or even Howard managed to pry it loose. So they had given the care of their Gundams in the hands of Howard's team of mechanics, and begun this vigil.  
That had been three days ago. There was still no sign of Duo. He wondered if perhaps Duo had decided to follow Heero into death, and was starving himself.  
Trowa knew that Quatre and Wufei were wondering at Duo's extreme reaction, but he had known of 01 and 02's relationship for a while. Since he was experiencing the same sort of feeling for the shy blond, he had been sensitive to the subtle signs of their growing attraction to each other - the shy glances, the touches lasting just longer than necessary, the way they sought each other out with their eryes every time they walked into a room the way they were always tense when missions drew them apart, and so relieved if the other returned unharmed. And most particularly, the fact that Heero allowed Duo to touch him - all the pilots had found out the hard way that the Perfect Soldier did not permit unnecessary physical contact, and yet Duo would hang his arm over Heero's shoulders with no apparent reaction.  
Trowa had also heard Heero's final words to Duo. There had been a brief lull in the suits attacking him, and the words had come through clearly. He knew if something happened to Quatre he would be just as shocked, but this - he couldn't imagine being in a depression so low that it was three days before he could face the world again.  
His chain of thought was interrupted as a hiss echoed through the silent chamber, and he looked up sharply to see Deathscythe Hell's hatch finally open. He stood at the same time as Quatre, and caught the little blond as he tried to jump across to the opening. Wufei looked at Trowa strangely as he wrapped his arms around 04 to stop him from struggling, but followed his lead, staying poised on the walkway.  
Slowly, like an old man, Duo shuffled out into the light, head down. Trowa stayed where he was as Quatre renewed his struggle, waiting. Finally Duo spoke.  
"I'm sorry," he rasped voice hoarse - from disuse or crying, Trowa wondered. "You probably think I overreacted. But I...but he..."  
Duo's voice cracked, and Trowa took pity on him.  
"I know," he called gently, ignoring the sudden stillness of the boy in his arms at his words, eyes on the suddenly alert Duo. "Will you tell us? What you've been thinking since...?"  
Trowa trailed off, but Duo knew what the gap represented.  
"I...will try," Duo rasped, eyes locked with Trowa's. "How long have I...?"  
It was Duo's turn to trail off, but again the other pilots picked up his meaning.  
"You've been locked in Deathscythe Hell for three days," Wufei replied in his usual blunt manner, oblivious to the glare from Quatre for his tactless response. But Duo only nodded, and Trowa finally let Quatre go. The empath leaped over to Duo, gathering him in his arms and bringing him over to the other two. Together, they carried the haggard and weakly protesting American to the infirmary, where he was given some water and a little food. When they were finished, he folded his hands in his lap and gathered his thoughts, pulling a piece of paper out of his pocket and staring at it for a long moment.  
...  
Hold me when I'm here  
Right me when I'm wrong  
Hold me when I'm scared  
Love me when I'm gone.  
Everything I am  
And everything in me  
Wants to be the one  
You wanted me to be  
I'd never let you down  
Even if I could  
I'll give up everything  
If only for your good  
So hold me when I'm here  
Right me when I'm wrong  
Hold me when I'm scared  
You'll always be there  
So love me when I'm gone

Duo,  
I've never been very good at talking about my emotions, you know that. Even now, in my last few mintures of life, I can't find the words to tell you what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. I find myself reverting to the words of a band from the late 20th century and early 21st century - 3 Doors Down. I think you played me some of their music once, after my last botched attempt at self-sacrifice, though I'm certain it wasn't in your mind at that point in time - you performing a striptease if my memory serves me correctly.  
...  
Duo's lips quirked in a sad smile. He had indeed been performing a striptease for his love while playing that particular song, teasing his love with his slow and sensuous movements. It was a moment between missions when they had forgotten about war and enjoyed themselves.  
...  
After that last self-destruction of my Gundam, I remember you accusing me of wanting to die, and I didn't deny it. At the time, I _had_ wanted to die; in Japanese culture, there is much honour in dying if by doing so you can defeat your enemy. But Duo, this time, I which I could botch it up. I wish I could step out and survive, and go on to live with you when peace comes. Because you have given me something to live for, and that is why I must die, to preserve your life. You are so precious, Duo. You make us not take ourselves too seriously, you remind us that we are still teenagers, still children, and although I have never really had a childhood, withou you, I have had some idea of what it might have been like. For that I thank you. And I'm sure the others do too.  
Duo, please. I have taken everything you have offered - your past, your vivacity, and yes, even your love. I know it is selfish but I ask one final thing. Live, Duo. Live for me. Live the life I will never have. Live for me when I'm gone, now I'm gone.

Duo, aishiteru.  
- Heero Yuy  
...  
Duo folded up the piece of paper in his hands, staring at its worn creases as he began to speak softly to the other pilots.  
"Heero and I...we were lovers. We tried to keep it secret so OZ and Romefeller wouldn't get wind of it and use it against us, but maybe we weren't as subtle as we thought..."  
Duo glanced up at Trowa, who shook his head.  
"I was the only one who noticed," he assured. "I have a certain...sensitivity to your feelings," he added wryly, his eyes flicking to Quatre for a moment. Duo attempted a smile and ended up with a lopsided expression.  
"Let's hope you're luckier than we were," Duo responded, his gaze drawn to the folded letter in his hands and his smile faded. He continued. "As I was saying, we were lovers, but we didn't want to admit it, you know? We were too scared I guess - love's a big word, for all it's only four letters. Eventually I admitted it to myself, after we - well, you know. I thought he was asleep, so I just lay where I was next to him and whispered it. He wasn't asleep; he tensed and I froze, terrified I'd wrecked it all by saying it aloud. But he just rolled over and kissed me, and told me he knew. He seemed okay with it, so I went to sleep. He doesn't talk much, doesn't say anything more than necessary, so I figured he'd say it eventually when he could admmit it to himself, like me. I was cool with that; I knew he trusted me. He told me about J, about his past. Did you know J's had him since he was 6?"  
Duo went silent, a bleak look crossing his face. The other three stirred uneasily; Heero had never told them about his time with J, or what he had been before then. They had assumed he had met the doctor as the same time they met their mentors, but to be at J's mercy since he was 6...they shuddered collectively, and Duo acknowledged the reaction with a dark look in his eyes.  
"Yeah, not a thing you really want to think about. Anyway, when he..say it, Duo, say it! He self-destructed! He wrote me a letter. You know how pissed I got at him the last time he tried a stunt like that? I guess he wanted me to not be angry at him when he did it this time; he didn't want me to argue, didn't want me to put myself in danger trying to stop him. He knows - knew me so well. Here's the letter, I printed it out."  
Duo unfolded the piece of paper in his hands and passed it to the trio, who read it then passed it back reverently. They hadn't known the aloof Heero had so many words in him. They hadn't known he'd felt so deeply.  
"And just before he self-destructed, he told me. His vidlink appeared centrescreen and he looked at me, all refretful and defiant, and he said..."  
Duo choked on the words, screwing his eyes shut in an effort to block out the image, and continued in a whisper the others had to lean forward to hear.  
"He said he loved me. And then he died. I keep hearing his voice, and I'm happy because I know for sure now that he loved me, but at the same time I'm sad, because I know, all the time, that he's dead, that he's gone. He can't love me because he's gone."  
Tears tracked their way down Duo's cheeks and he wiped them away in a rough gesture to match his voice.  
"It took me a while to get past that - five hours maybe - and it was only after I got over the shock that I saw the message. Since then, I've just been remembering, savouring the memories of my time with him."  
Duo looked down at the paper in his hand, at the words written by his reserved lover, and smiled.  
"Because I _will_ always be here. He gave his life that I might live. So I'll win this war. I'll win this war, and enjoy the peace, and live my life out to its end, and I'll do it all for him. Because I love him and he wanted - wants - me to be happy and live in the way he cannot."  
Duo met the others' eyes, defiant fire blazing in his own violet orbs as he vowed to carry out Heero's last request.  
_I held you when you were here. I'll love you now you're gone. And for you, I'll stay here always. You will be remembered for the hero you are, for the lover you have been. This I vow to you, now you're gone._


End file.
